Best Things To Do When Your Life Is In Shambles

Published: February 26, 2014

After 30 years of daily drinking and dealing with the drudgery of life, I've found my life is full of failures, my life in shambles, passing out in brambles, no hope or help anywhere to be found.  Instead of sticking a slurpstraw in a juice box filled with wine and wandering to the water tower to plunge to my death, I just did some nice art and got my life together.  You can do it too.  Here are my best tips on how to turn that frown  :( upsidedown ):

  1. Have A Baby

    If you are in need of a new life path, this is a perfect solution.  If you still cling to some semblance of your own hopes and dreams, have any desire to travel and see the world, think you might possibly make something of yourself or write a book one day, this one is not for you.  Proceed to Step 2.  

    If you have entirely given up on yourself, or feel unloved by the universe, or have no clue what to do with your life, a baby can help you.  Immediately upon its birth, you will be forced via obligation to care for a tiny, helpless lifeform that is far more demanding than a cat or a plant.  You will be too exhausted, dirty, and stressed out to focus on anything at all, and you will become a warm zombie.  Or a mombie.  You will cease to have your own existence. Your friends will stop calling you by your name.  Instead, you will become solely "Aiden's Mom" (or "Aidends Dad).  

    Your friends will stop calling you, so you won't have to worry about social anxiety anymore.  You will realize you don't have any time for your own goals anymore, and thus you will be freed up to focus entirely on your new infant.  All money you had in life will go towards diapers and formula so you won't have to berate yourself for drunkenly buying someones Encylopedia Britannica off Ebay yesterday.  


    Your new identity as Aiden's Parent will quickly consume your entire being.  You will have no time to feel sorry for yourself, no time to grieve for your lost life, no time to lamment your own sorrows.  You will dive headfirst into a world of onsies and leggos and mommy blogging and giving your opinion on vaccines and vitamins to every person you meet.  


    The reason this works is because it transforms you into a non-person.  If your life is so bad right now that you'd do anything to not be  you, have a baby.  You will never be you again.  


    Sometimes kids say cute things, so you might get a laugh or two in as well.  And you won't die alone.  


    Babies.  The way to go when you have nowhere to go.


  2. Make Lists

    If all you can do is focus on the giant mess you've made of life, try a list.  Write down 5 things you want to accomplish this week.  Then focus obsesively on your list.  It's better than letting any inkling of distress over your recent failures into your life.  You will deal with those later, after you've done laundry, gone to the library, bought toilet paper, bought a cat, and listened to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cryus.  

  3. Watch Project Runway

    I recommend starting out with Season 12.  The contestants on reality TV are such garbage that you can't help but feel a bit soothed by their flaws plastered all over national television.  Project Runway is particularly great because they find a wide variety of crazy people, from a nice hobo who once put gel in his hair, to a sociopathic mother who sabotages everyone around her, to a decent guy who is also a porn director, to a gentle soul who lives in the adirondacks and believes in unicorns.  Then they make terrible, garbage outfits and you suddenly feel YOU could do this, and YOU could be mocked on TV, and YOU could find the perfect insult to finally push Nina Garcia into a much needed suicidal overdose on opiates.  YOU COULD DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE!  Reality TV is there for you.  


  4. Write a Book

    Literally no one on this planet wants to hear about your bullshit life.  It's not interesting.  You have not done anything worth telling the world about.  But if you write a book on how you went to Ricky C's beer pong party in the summer of 1986 and got 3 cups in a row and it changed your life because you hooked up with Cindy afterward and got hepatitis, maybe you will feel a bit better.  Briefly.  Don't try and publish it though, because you aren't stable enough to handle 17 rejection letters.  In fact, have a theraputic burning of your book when you finish.  Fire makes everyone feel better. 

  5. Tell Someone a Joke

    There is no possible way for anyone to be sad if they are recounting a funny joke.  Can't think of one?  Here.  

    The head of a nunnery was informed that her convent had a massive outbreak of Ghonorrhea.  She called a meeting to discuss this with all her inferior nuns.  "Nuns, I must tell you, we have some gonorrhea going around."  "Oh thank god!" yelled a nun in the back.  "I was getting so sick of all this sangria!"

    Sometimes funny pictures can do the trick too.

Arts and Crafts is also a viable solution.  Or therapy.  Or diet and exercise.  Or anything.  Win the lottery.  Go to a bar.  There's all kinds of things you can do every day to get your life out of the pit of despair.  


Look at me.  Two days ago I was about to die of gang rape and hantavirus, and today I'm going to someone else's funeral.  Vast improvement.  Tomorrow, I'm going to win the lottery.  Life is looking up, up, up.