5 Accessories You Can Wear Until You Die

Published: February 21, 2014

Since turning 30, are you wonderin if your wardrobe is still hip and fashionable? Do you enjoy going out in plastic stripper heels, leopard print leggings, Hello Kitty hair accessories and clutching your giant purse with your jet-black nails?  Are you 40?  Good for you.  No need to donate your closet to the nearest junior high, you can rock these fashions until you die.

  1. Bling

    You can wear anything that sparkles bright until you die.  In fact, as you wither away into leathery dust, the more distracting diamonds you lavish on, the better.  Just ask Rose, who hoarded her giant blue necklace until right before she died, and then selfishly flung it overboard so no one else could steal her style.  Sparkle on. 



  2. Hair Accessories

    Banana clips and scrunchies never went out of style.  Flowers or rhinestone berrets are always all the rage.  Hats are great too.  Or pin things to your hat.  Who cares.  Better than showing off how bald you might be..

  3. Trashy Jeans

    Legs tend to stay shapely and nice longer than your old face, so draw attention away from your neck wrinkles and down to your knees with holes in your jeans, rhinestones all over your butt, or incorporating lace or patches somehow into your jean look.  For inspiration, just think about Goldie Hawn.

  4. Animal Print

    Zebra print is timeless.  Leopard print is always hot.  Have you earned your tiger stripes?  Then wear your tiger stripes!  Don't worry about what PETA thinks, human kind has been wearing animal in some form for ages now, and no one is honestly going to think that gawdy huge leopard print scarf you have wrapped around your neck came from a real animal of the Serengeti.  Look fierce, be old and say "Rawr"


  5. Stripper Shoes

    If you can walk in them without breaking an ankle, there is no reason you shouldn't be wearing 6 inch heels.  Just look at Helen Mirren rocking some stripper shoes as she shows some 60+ year old foot.  If she can pull this off, so can you.  If you do trip and fall, your bones might be a bit brittle and you could break a few anskles, so consider keeping some legal narcotics in your purse.  Get yourself a good doctor, and you can wear terrible shoes until you die.  

Black nail polish, chains, anything hot pink, neon, or grunge are also allowed, as these all fall into the timeless category.  Remember fashion just recycles itself every few decades anyway so if you wear something horribly out of place for now, you're just going to be considered hip and ahead of your time when your grandkids stalk your defunct facebook account.  Now go, and sneeze into a pile of glitter.