Top 5 Things You Should Consider Doing if You're Life is a Mess

Published: November 26, 2013

My life is a mess.  Mostly because I do not do these things on this list.  If you do them, your life will not be a mess anymore.  It will be neat and tidy and you will enjoy pleasant evenings with free time to read a novel by an open fire.  If you do not have a fireplace, Netflix has you covered:  This will do, because inevitably you will have heat in your house, because your life is now very well structured.  

  1. Pay Your Phone Bill

    Remember, this is just a list of things to CONSIDER doing.  Maybe you don't want to pay your phone bill.  Maybe you will just let it go unti they shut it off.  Maybe you can piggy back on a sympathetic relative's plan for awhile.  But if you want your life to be in order, you MUST consider paying your phone bill.  It's not hard, I'll walk you through it:

    1. Sit down.

    2. Say outloud "I should pay my phone bill..."

    3. Contemplate

  2. Telling the Power Company You've Moved

    You don't have to, but they will continue charging you, and you won'to even be warm in your new place until you have power there.  Really, give this one some serious consideration. 

  3. Taking a Pregnancy Test

    Most birth control is only 99% effective or less.  That means you could possibly be the 1%.  Take a test, know for sure.  The ones at the dollar store are just as accurate, so this won't be a financial burden, not like a surprise late term abortion would be.

    Guys, think this doesn't apply to you?  It does.  It won't tell you if you are pregnant, but if it comes up positive, it means you have testicular cancer.  No joke. 

  4. Buy More Alcohol

    Consider this one.  If you cannot afford your bills because they are $300 and you only have $10 in your account, there is really nothing you can do.  Except check out this list:  Consider: You can still buy vodka, and at least be HAPPY for a few hours that you have not paid your bills.  

  5. Get Out of Bed

    If your life is truly a mess, this one is going to be hard.  Really consider it.  Be prepared for the fact that it might make things a lot worse.  Getting out of bed can lead to crappy decisions, hunger, or earthquakes.  But staying in bed can lead to all of these things too.  You might as well get up.  Why?  Because I will tell you the funniest joke in the world if you do.






    Get up.


    I won't tell you the joke unill you stand up.  This is easy to cheat on, because you are on the internet and I'll never know, but I trust you want to keep your integrity in tact.  Here we go.


    Q: How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?

    A:  Ten.  It itakes.. ten tickles.. to tickle an octopus!

These are all great things to consider.  If you pay your bills, assure yourself of your good health (either cancer free or pregnancy free), and have a little laugh (via alcohol or a good joke) you will feel MUCH better. 


You can go back to bed now.  You've achieved primo supremo in life. 


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