10 Reasons Parents Can Survive a Zombie Attack
Parenting is hard work; it could even be considered war training. I would like to show 10 reasons why having children could better prepare you for natural disaster or a Zombie attack.
Think those sleepless nights, ruined t-shirts, and stressful days of repetitive cleaning and cooking are going to waste? Well fear not my parenting comrades! These lessons you have been learning can save you from becoming a Zombie snack!
So keep your chin up and remember, no parenting lesson is wasted! No need to think you fall short when it comes to your perfectly groomed, well slept co-workers. In fact you can now feel pity for those who come to work with tales of long kid free vacations knowing now that they will be the first to go.
You won't go hungry
Store shelves selling out? Don't worry! Between your car and the cushions of your couch you have enough cheerios, raisons, bits of granola bars and the God knows what that sticky substance used to be, to stay alive for weeks.
And if you get thirsty? Well, in an emergency those sippy cups hidden underneath car seats, coloring books and bed frames will provide you the necessary hydration, while the substances floating within build character.
You already smell like death
Got a baby? Well, between the scent of spit up milk, spit up peas and carrots, and those not quite quick enough with the diaper replacement urine sprays you'll smell plenty rotten. Bonus points if you get a leaky diaper.
Got toddlers? Well, with your little ones interest in chewing on inedible objects and projectile vomiting them back (wait, what? I can't eat that chalk?) you already smell like bile. If your child is potty training even better! A little urine and fecal matter and you can walk amongst the dead without worrying about them smelling more than eau de toilet.
You already look like death
Sleep is for the weak, child free, hair is always in place and never has food spots on her clothes co-worker you despise. Between the nightmares, and middle of the night accidents, you are used to stumbling around blurry eyed looking like a hung over college student, but without all the fun the night before!
Not sleeping when you have children will prepare you for the on the go, stay up and be the look out, and adrenaline filled days of fighting for your life.
Bet your perky well rested co-worker won't fair as well.
Your house is equipped with protective equipment
Do you think you need guns and ammo to protect your home from a Zombie attack?
No, no, no my dear friend, that is what microscopic toys you can never find when your child demands them are for.
Legos can cause even the roughest toughest zombie to stumble, think zombies can't cry? Just wait until they stumble upon your entryway filled with razor sharp edged legos.
Even magnetic darts when aimed correctly (or as your kid swears accidently) can stun your enemy giving you time to flee.
Those marbles, barbie shoes, and random super hero accessories, can all be added to a homemade scatter bomb, offering wide spread carnage as the projectiles maim your enemy.
You have the power to throw your voice and confuse the enemy
Need a quick getaway? Using your child's baby monitor is a good way to trick the zombies into thinking you are somewhere you are not, giving you a nice lead before they realize it's a little box making talking and not you.
With all that practicing of miming and using hand gestures to talk to your spouse while your child sleeps you can even give commands and directions to your loved ones without tipping off your location.
You already have the stamina to run
Chasing after your child who is running into a busy street, or after an unfriendly pet, or just running because now mommy's voice sounds funny and they want to keep hearing you make those gurgling sounds in the back of your throat, will keep your legs toned enough to sprint when necessary.
Not to mention all that running back and forth between school events, sporting events, after school events, oh hey mom I forgot my "xyz" could you run home and get it, activity.
You already have tools to survive on the run
Between the baseball bats, the football helmets, and hockey sticks you have in a bag in the back of your SUV from your child's different sport activities you can fight back if you find yourself cornered while driving to a safe spot out of town.
Think your child's boy scouts training was money and time wasted oh no no, their knot tying knowledge will come in handy when setting up traps to prevent zombies from reaching you. Being able to make pancakes in the woods with only rocks, water and flour is a snap with your girl scout!
You are prepared to expect the unexpected
All those surprise messes (you made me breakfast thanks!, you emptied your own potty seat yay! wait.....where?), last minute school projects and PTA events have prepared you to smoothly handle any unexpected event a zombie attack throws your way. Have to come up with a smoke bomb? Well you can just use the knowledge google and the mistakes you made building your sons science fair project taught you!
You already know how to fortify your house
Zombie proofing cannot be much harder than child proofing. Am I right? I mean come on, am I right??
Think a zombie can figure out how to open a baby gate or a door equipped with a knob cover? If your great Aunt Ruthie can't I doubt a brain dead zombie could (No offense Aunt Ruthie).
Need to save your food stash? Just throw your beef jerky in the cupboard with one of those magnetic key lock dohickeys and even you may have a hard time getting to it. (I swear I put the key on that shelf in the bathroom.....or was it the closet in my bedroom? Hmmm...)
You have shock value on your side
Need to shock a Zombie into submission? Just tell your 4 year old princess she cannot watch the movie Frozen for a week and watch the zombie stumble around in confused fear covering their ears, trying in vain to protect themselves from the unholy shrieking coming from your pint sized child's lungs.
You may think that parenthood is solely useful for the raising of the next generation, or the enjoyment of seeing a person you created, who looks like you, accomplish what you always hoped to do. But it has farther reaching benefits you never could have imagined possible.